Monday, 4 February 2013

Hair trigger

I don't think I'm alone in spending quite a lot of time thinking about why I'm a spanko, or more broadly why spankos are spankos. Is it in our nature - a bit of genetic pre-disposition - or have we been made by early-life experiences?
Just now I was thinking about how things were when I was 10 or 11 and my Mum and older sister were, or so it seemed, constantly at war with one another. For some reason it occurred to me that over-hearing them may have been my 'trigger'.
As far as I know Mum never actually spanked Big Sis, but she often threatened to. I'd be in my room listening to them arguing and I'd hear stuff like: "I've a good mind to take your knickers down and give you a good hiding!"
Big Sis would say something like: "Go on then, I'd like to see you try..." And that would be that, Mum would come slamming out of the room and everybody would be in a bad mood for the rest of the day.
The other thing about these exchanges was that there was usually a fair bit of Mum talking about what would have happened to her in similar circumstances. "Do you know what my Mum would have done to me if I'd said that to her?" she'd ask, before answering the question herself: "She'd have taken a belt to me, that's what!"
That didn't seem to add up because my Gran was such a small, gentle woman that I could never imagine her as a belt-wielding disciplinarian. Anyway, from the time when my sister was about 15 to when she left home at the age of 19 there was lots of talk about CP in our house; it didn't happen, but it was on the agenda.
That was all going on when I was between the ages of 9 and 13, an impressionable time. Another thing, I can remember was that when Big Sis did move out I was really pleased at the change it brought to the house.
There were no arguments and everybody (Mum, Daddy and I) got on much better. Also, after feeling overlooked for such a long time I was suddenly the centre of attention.
My point is that just when my brain was being wired for sexuality our house was buzzing with parent-child confrontation and lots of talk about CP. And, I think I was jealous of the attention Big Sis was getting from Mum, even though it was negative attention.
Anyway, this post has begun to read like I'm on the therapist's couch. Sorry, but it does make me wonder.