A little moment of startle today while I wandered through the home section of our local department store. I think it's meant to be a baguette board, but to me it looks like the perfect attitude adjuster...
I was tempted to buy one, but couldn't face the embarrassment at the cash desk. I knew that I'd end up blushing.
Not that 99 per cent of the world's population would see it as anything other than a weird-shaped bread board. Which made me think of you, dear reader (and I had taken a pic on my blackberry to share with you).
So, why so few posts around here recently? I know that my lack of effort has been quite shocking - and deserves disciplinary intervention of the sternest kind!
It's a long story and one that my bother-in-law (the corporate guy) would call 'a multi-factorial situation'. A bit complicated really.
Firstly, there's my health. I managed to hurt my neck a couple of months ago and it has taken a long time to sort itself out. At first my doctor told me to avoid computers altogether until I was pain-free, which was really difficult for somebody who is a writer for money, a blogger and a wannabe novelist.
So as I've got back to writing with a keyboard I have been rationing the time I spend tip-tapping. As all this was happening this blog passed its first birthday - I found myself looking back and realised how much time I have spent putting it together.
To be honest I'd got a bit obsessed, and time I should have been putting into paid work was going into this 'hobby'. As SO has been out of work just lately that felt like an indulgence that we couldn't really afford.
Now some good news, I have had a double helping of work-related luck in my vanilla life. Two book proposals to publishers have both come good at the same time, so it looks as though 2013 is going to be a very intense time - lots of writing to do.
But when I look at the stats here I am amazed to find that my humble little blog is still attracting some readers, and I feel a bit ashamed that I have done so little just recently to deserve that loyalty. Which is a sort of wordy way of saying that in the New Year I will try to find some time to do better.
Effort? Poor, please see me. Not only have I not blogged for weeks, but I've also missed a significant date. But I do have an excuse.
My recent accident has left me in a lot of discomfort - and a less-than-flattering neck brace. In fact, we're really in the wars here because co-incidentally SO has a herniated disc and is also incapacitated. We've been stuck in the house for most of the last fortnight and there's a lot of grouchiness going around.
I've been told by my doc to keep off keyboards, which rules out most of my work - and all of my blogging (there's a vanilla blog out there too somewhere). Facebook, Twitter and all of that is off the menu too.
And I have to say it has been an interesting experience. If you can't write you have to read, listen - damn it, even think a little... Anyway, today it occurred to me that I must be somewhere close to my Another Country bloggerversary, so I've sneaked on to take a look -- and I've missed it!
Yes, it was actually on November 2 last year that I got started out on this particular journey. Shame I let the day go by unmarked.
So for a belated celebration I thought I'd direct you to this blog's single most read post over it's short life, which had the title 'More Benson'. Yes, it seems that the one thing that unites visitors to Another Country is a love of the works of the brilliant Mr Benson; we're a broad church, but a belief in Benson keeps us together.
I think it makes sense then for me to mark a year's worth of bloggery by closing my eyes and having a dreamy Benson moment )but without moving my head). Please do join me.
A little apology to loyal readers. I'm sorry I'm not here at the moment, I really am and I will try harder in the future.
But I do have a good excuse - I'm not well. A silly accident involving me, a bicycle and a dog. I won't bother you with the details, but it involved me coming off my bike and impacting with a ditch at speed.
No broken bones, but bruises, strains and scratches. And something weird with my neck, which makes sitting in front of a computer agony.
My doctor says no computer use for a week or two. SO is policing that in a really heavy kind of way, but isn't here all the time to check... For the moment then, I guess this is a dormant blog.
PS Picture from this great image blog. It's not relevant, but there's something about it that I like.
I work from home. I have deadlines that I've promised to make. I have issues with self-discipline. Often I fail to deliver work on time, which is what's happening today. It's 2.25pm and the feature article expected by 5pm at the latest is only half finished - and I'm messing around on this BLOG?
So I'd say from my perspective that I should get my ass into gear. Am I right? And probably get aforesaid ass spanked red raw too.
So much to do, so little time - and the master of the house is in a less than forgiving mood at the moment... SO's back, and sense of humour, are still a bit creaky.
It means that I have lots to do this week, lots of real work and plenty of household stuff to handle too. And not much time for life's little pleasures, like keeping this blog fresh.
As I trotted about cleaning and cooking this afternoon I enjoyed making up little maidservant fantasies that I won't bother you with now. I'm sure you can guess how my imaginary maid is encouraged to go about her duties?
PS I'll give you a clue. It was was one of the following: a) carrot or b) stick.
She shifted a little off the sharp edge of the chair back, lifting her bare bottom even higher and and clenching her fists on chair's back struts. In the silence she heard the rush of her heart and, then, the whoosh of the paddle as he took a practice swing or two.
It had been rude and cruel to laugh, but at the time she'd thought it ever so funny. The way he wobbled along so gingerly, wincing at each movement like an old man twice his age. Now she could see how wrong giggling had been and waited for her punishment knowing that she deserved it.
Or it would be something like that, because SO is still incapacitated and the doctor seems concerned there might be some disc damage. Which makes me feel very guilty for making jokes about the situation when it happened.
I'm feeling guilty and very spanky, which is a dangerous combination. And, of course, SO is off work on doctor's orders and we're around one another in the house all day.
Usually that would be an opportunity to play (with the kids at school), but SO is feeling a long way from playful. So, I have scenarios running through my head that are never going to get from script stage to 'production' and I'm feeling very confused by it all.
It's not a good place to be, but I have to say that The Gods do have a sense of humour. They certainly seem to like getting me tied up in knots.
I know I'd probably regret saying it a moment after my little dream had come true, but I'd love to be on the end of a tawse. A proper one made of solid, heavy leather looks like an experience that's not to be forgotten.
It is definitely an item on my Bucket List. By the way, where does "bucket list" come from? I know there's a film, but did the bucket list idea exist before the movie - or did the movie just pick up on a phrase that people were already using?
Anyway, back to the tawse. If you stop by here often you'll know that Scotland's favourite disciplinary tool often features in my daydreams (and night ones too). So, you're probably thinking I should just pull myself together and buy one - but that's problematic for a number of reasons.
Years back, before we had kids, we bought what was reckoned to be tawse from a mail order supplier. It looked good, but wasn't cheap. We reckoned it would be just the thing for a little harmless teacher-puil role play.
The parcel arrived and contained - a major disappointment. Thin, light and flimsy, the "tawse" was an insult to a proud nation (Scotland, that is).
More recently I've looked at tawses online. Or is tawse the plural? But I haven't been so sure about having one around the house in case one of the kids should find it.
How to explain away something that is so clearly an instrument of corporal punishment? Hairbrushes and belts can sit around in your bedroom without raising suspicions, but a hefty great tawse is a definite giveaway.
Now, I'm thinking we should buy one but be very careful about where we put it between its "outings". Perhaps I could hollow out a book like spies do when they're hiding guns, but make the hollow tawse-shaped.
That would be pretty safe. Our kids do read, but never, ever touch something as old-fashioned as a made-from-paper book...
PS If you've bought a good tawse online I'd love to hear about where it came from.
Not that 99 per cent of the world's population would see it as anything other than a weird-shaped bread board. Which made me think of you, dear reader (and I had taken a pic on my blackberry to share with you). 
